I haven't been on in ages. I don't know why. I lost my password months ago, that's partly to blame. Laziness is the other.

I'm adding a few more deviations.

Anyway.

I guess I'm growing up. I've done a lot in my life. Many things I'm proud of, many more I'm not. Right now, I'm proud of where I am. I may not have the meaningful job I used to have, but I work. I work hard. Many of my friends didn't know this, but for a few months the doctors thought I had liver cancer. Oh, sweet! Yeah. Turns out it's not cancer. I do have arthritis now, though. That's fun.

On the subject of cancer, my mom got it pretty bad. Started out with her kidneys, spread elsewhere. She's doing alright. She's got 1/2 a kidney left, but that's fine. She'll be better.

I've got a girlfriend and I'm happy with her. We fight over dumb things. We fight over important things. I don't care. We always make up. Sometimes I'm scared that we won't last. Other times, I'm grateful. Even if we don't last, I'm happy for the time we have together. Am I the only 19-year-old who is looking for someone to spend the rest of their life with?

Sometimes I'm worried that I'll be stuck here forever. I keep finding things to latch on to. I don't know. It's not like I don't have the money to pack up my bags and go, which is quite an odd feeling for me. I spent most of my life with little to no money. Now I have a decent bank account and relatively low debts. In all seriousness, I've had that for a few years now. Since August, 2006, I've had a decent bank account. Money in pocket and in the banks. I always try to hide that fact amongst friends and loved ones. I play poor. I lie about it. I hide it like it was a disgraceful thing. Money is disgraceful. It turns us into horrible people.

I still am lost as to what I want.

I've taken to changing things about me. Last month I lost 30 pounds. It was nice. I gained only five of that back. Now I'm aiming to lose 40 over the next few months. When I'm down to 215, 220, I think I will be happy with what shape I am in. I run a lot, eat (relatively) better, jog, walk, and when it gets warm I'm starting to bike to and from work (except in the rain/bitter cold). It'll be good for me.